Can he see the same moon as me?

22^nd December 2006

We married in December. And I know how it feels to be married. I work all day long in an MNC despite my heart and soul not being in it, for nothing much but the money. I am the Branch Head of this company and it gives me not a lot of pleasure including a few holidays each year and a few other luxuries of life without which maybe my living cannot be possible anymore. Thus I work but it’s still the few yearly holidays that I anticipate.

Yes, ours is a love marriage like all you guys out there but then it would be wrong for you to take myself and him and our relationship to be similar to yours because it is not. He is my best friend and it’s not a new bond that we share. My love for him goes long back to when there wasn’t Facebook and when we used our parent’s phones to talk for hours. We never knew this would happen someday but then it did, not because we didn’t get anyone else to marry but because for us, the whole world did not contain another soul.

So this year like every time we did have another fantastic holiday plan. We don’t go to roam around new places or to bring mall full of things back home or to get photographs clicked in front of tall monuments or to see elephants running around. We go to places as lonely as the cloudy sky, as lonely as mid ocean, as lonely as the treetop nests. We go to spend time alone yet together, to love each other, to be only with each other. I know the feeling of what it is to be loved. Since the time he came into this small life of mine, I have always known how it is to be loved. Our love started when we were tiny kids and we used to make fun of each other day and night and pull each other’s legs tight but then we grew up. We don’t talk as much now because when we are away from each other all we do is to talk to the world around but when together all we do is stare, feel, love and feel loved. Life has been great all these years and I know it is going to remain the same at least till the time we are together. No, we don’t dream of a world without each other because such a world does not exist. It never did and so it never will.

I am sitting on the roof of my car. We do this every year. This time we came to the highest hills. Its evening now, and the sun will be setting sometime soon after which we will get inside the car like every year, have the rest of the coffee, turn on his favourite songs like every time and then forget the world around in each other’s embrace. Somehow the sun doesn’t seem to set today. The watch reads 5.12 but the sun doesn’t seem to be going off to sleep. I want the moon and the stars because its heaven to be kissed in darkness and silence. We have the silence but what about the darkness? Will it be coming any soon?

Ananya

The doctor reads out this page to me. I don’t know what the words mean because I did not listen to most of it. The day is coming to an end and the sun will be setting soon. Isn’t this somewhat similar to what she read out just now? I don’t know why she read that piece out to me though! My mom came to visit me today. I asked her where Arjun was. She told me that he is taking a world tour at the moment visiting the famous universities all over and giving guest lectures in there. I envy his job much. I am a white collared worker but at the moment I live in this place, I don’t really know for what reason though. 

‘Mom, please ask Arjun to visit me sometimes. Please tell him, that I miss him and I love him. Please tell him to come back to me soon and take me away from here. I don’t like it here. I feel lonely and they feed me rice every day. I hate rice so much. Ask Arjun to bring me chocolates. Please. Also tell him that these people here do not like me. They keep me tied up for ours and they push in needles everyday for no good reason and they sometimes give me tiny sparks here and there which hurt. I don’t realize why they do this. What is wrong with me mom? Why don’t you say anything to me? You are all the same. I don’t love any of you. I just love Arjun. Tell him to come back.’ After this my mom left with tears in her eyes. I guess I was very harsh today but what do I do? I miss Arjun really bad. He was all I had but now he isn’t bothered about his wife. The doctor came in again. She says her name is Roshni which means light. I read it in Hindi when I was small, I told her after which she smiled and looked at me as if with a lot of questions. ‘Why does mom cry every time she comes here’, I asked but she was quiet and then she stared to read out to me the rest of that story. ‘I am not interested in this story’, I said and asked her to leave me alone. 

I am lying down on my bed and some beautiful images cross by my eyes- an open sky, the wide hills, the sun on verge of setting down, a car, coffee mugs. All of a sudden I can hear a beautiful music. I jump up with joy. ‘Arjun, you came so soon? Mom told you that I was missing you so much eh?’ There were tears of happiness in my eyes. Arjun stayed quiet just the way he always does and embraced me. He made me lie down on the bed and he caressed my hair and kissed my face. I held him tight asking him never to leave me alone. He promised he would not. He promised he would take me away from here, from this place that makes me sicker each day. I closed my eyes slowly. It was a peaceful sleep I was getting after really long.

Mrs Sen, I am Roshni speaking. Ananya had to be injected yet again. Why don’t you just come and tell us what happened with her? Why is Ananya’s diary incomplete that way? Why doesn’t she want to listen to her written pages and where is Arjun? Why don’t you call him here? It’s been a year since she is here and since we are asking you the same question. Look, we can’t help your daughter if you don’t communicate with us.’

I woke up this morning only to find my mom talking to Roshni. Heaven knows why she cries yet again though! I am not interested because Arjun came back now. I don’t know where he is this morning. Guess, he has gone out to take his morning walk. He promised that he would take me away soon.

Roshni came in I am in the mood to sleep but she handed me these particular pages and this black diary she reads out to me every day from. What am I even to do with these now? The papers read out the following:

22^nd December 2007

Dear Mrs Sen

Every year I return back to your little resort with my husband and I am so much in love with this place and the hills and the sky around. It’s beautiful. We discovered this tiny place on one of our drives and since then we return back each year. We married on the same day a year back and every year we hope to return to your heaven together because we know of no world other than the one which has both of us in it.

Love

Ananya

22^nd December 2008

Dear Mrs Sen

Look, we returned back this year as well and this time we are expecting a baby. Yes, I am going to be a mother soon and when we come back next year we will have the little one with us.

Love

Ananya

22^nd December 2009

Dear Mrs Sen

Something happened while I was driving sometime back. I think we skid off a hill or something. I am all fine though. He scolded me a lot and we lost our baby. I know it’s my entire fault and that’s the reason he went away to his world tour around all the stupid universities. Thus, I returned all alone this time because we had promised each other that whatever the reason be, every year on the 22^nd we would spend our afternoon on the roof of the car watching the sunset. Hope he just comes here soon because he promised me he would.

Love

Ananya

22^nd December 2010

Dear Mrs Sen

I came back this year as well because he had promised to meet me here. I feel so lonely you won’t believe. I hope he does come fast and joins me on the roof of the car. I brought all his favourite music CDs with me as well.

Love

Ananya

There weren’t any more letters but I just wonder who this girl Ananya is and why has she been writing such weird letters to this someone called Mrs Sen but how am I to be bothered? I would ask Arjun if he knows someone who has been on world tours around universities other than him as well. If he would know of anyone then I would ask Roshni to tell Ananya so that she can stop writing letters once and for all. And why was mom here today morning as well? I don’t really understand why doesn’t she just takes me home. Wait, Arjun promised me he would but where is he now? 

A Few Years Back.....

This is the time, when I began writing or expressing emotions through this extraordinary tool called the pen. While spring cleaning I happened to come upon these three short poems that I had written some few years back. From then to now, my poems have grown somewhat bigger in length. However, I feel the emotions are still the same and so is the world around. Its just me, who seems to have grown up. 

Growing Up

Decades have passed since I was born with a life,

Worries of love and younger days,

Seem to have gone other ways.

A little mind born in me,

Wants to see this big wide world.

Which seem to overcast huge shadows all over, 

Here and there and everywhere

I long to escape.

To go back in time.

Fall

Up above in the sky, when the summer says a good bye,

We wait for a pleasant song, that can bring a new life along.

It happens in this city forever that,

Songs of rain drip in happiness to every window pane.

This time its gone haywire,

As the sky is overcast with clouds since ages.

A speck of light but more of darkness,

And the heart fears a flood.

The Opening

Sitting by the window side,

Looking on and on outside,

I could see only distress, hardship and aridity.

I could see nothing but famine and disaster.

The new window like a open book,

Opened my eyes to this world called SURVIVAL.

This is all I began with maybe and somewhere all the three poems seem to meet at the same point, talking  about the most essential entity called life, or survival.

 

The Sparrow In My Land Of Dreams

One day I slept, the pillow so soft, the pink blanket touched my chest,

I was small then, a girl of eight, with pink ribbons in my hair,

Dreamt of candy floss and balloons and lollipops,

Dreamt of that pink dress in the window of that thatched rooftop shop.

I woke up and my mom held me tightly saying,

‘Yes, my doll, will buy you that pink dress with those matching ballerinas soon,

And that brown teddy bear and stacks full of chocolates and mugs full of milkshake.’

I jumped in joy danced around the room, dressed and went to school.

The sparrow flew that day, little by little,

From the nest in that tree, rising its wings in the sky.

I slept again another night, a girl with those rimmed glasses,

The pink dress now just a white one, the blanket replaced by books.

Books, books, everywhere, so much to look into, so much to take in.

Those black diaries and those piles of notes,

Those checked papers with those ‘A’ grades everywhere,

Without which came tears and without which all the dreams seemed shattered.

I woke up when my mom held me close, a coffee mug in her hand,

And said, ‘Yes, my genius, you will top in class,

And daddy will buy you the new pen set in that window of the thatched rooftop shop.’

The sparrow had to fly more, beyond the clouds and beyond heaven,

Its wings stretched and the sky all open.

I slept again, yet tonight, without a pillow, without a blanket,

Without a pink or a white dress.

I turned around, time and again, yes, it was midnight.

A midnight so dark, a midnight without the crescent moon smiling down.

I sat up and stared, darkness all around.

Got up and walked from here to there and everywhere.

Even the most beautiful music did not soothe the ears.

They wanted only one sound, a music so wonderful, a music so dear.

I had a machine then, a tiny machine that beeped every second.

This night it did not beep, I don’t think it ever will.

From the time I had dreamt of candy floss, to the time I had topped in class,

To the time I sang nursery rhymes making everyone clap and smile,

To this time when a few hours back I had made someone cry,

I knew how to hurt others now, I think I have grown up,

To join that band of adults who roam around the streets,

Thinking about themselves to be the best,

Thinking the world to be a new quest.

Yes, he is crying tonight and I guess I too am.

My tears don’t matter, they never did,

Neither when my balloon burst nor when I came second.

It was all my fault maybe, I realize it now.

Only if I would have agreed to say a sorry just some hours back,

Only if I could ask him to come back.

I cannot not sleep tonight, I don’t think I ever will.

Oh, dawn come soon and take away this invisible moon.

I might not get up tomorrow morning, I might not see the light,

I might not be able to say a sorry,

I might not be have arms hug me.

Neither was I a doll now, nor a genius,

Just a girl in love, a girl who had hurt her lover.

The sparrow had wished to fly high,

Yes, it had wished to be a falcon,

With its wings spread high in the open blue sky.

To wear that crown of oak leaves and show the world it did succeed

But that sparrow came back weak and feeble,

Fell down the tree and could not rise again,

No mother to feed, no lover to love

That sparrow now, in my land of dreams,

Can do none but only scream.

Careless Whispers

The lock turned making my foot,

Step into a world of dust and dirt,

Onto the stairs that led me up to my huge room on the seventh floor.

No, I dare not take the elevator! It reminded me of you,

The day you taught me to love you first,

The day you made me fly in the open sky.

Opening the door, I entered house.

Dark it was, as dark as the starless sky on a new moon night.

A candle somewhere glittering in the darkness,

The smell of fresh strawberries or was it wine?

Darkness, darkness everywhere, inside and out,

And wherever else the eyes could reach.

I was helpless! Yes, maybe, I am afraid of the dark,

Of the black, of what seems empty!

But darkness was the part where time and again I just return back!

Peace and silence and the crickets screaming wherever the ears could take,

Yes! There was a breeze, a cold breeze that,

Gave me this sense of helplessness,

On a cold winter night in this month of December.

The eyes roamed around here and there in the dark,

They searched the shadow that can be called 'you'.

No, you are nowhere to be seen!

No,You dont live with me!

The darkness swept me back into helplessness,

Making me sit down on the floor,

Making me weep!

The eyes fell on the candle light,

The nose smelt the strawberries again,

The ears went back to listening the sound of the crickets screaming!

Where? Where? Oh! Where were they?

Well, they had stopped!

It was the silence that I hated, the peace that surrounded me!

This feeling of helplessness that sent me back to the world of darkness!

'Save me someone, pull me out' was all I wished to scream.

I wished to scream to out loud, call out to the spirits of bliss!

However, it was only tears that I could shed!

Where was the streak of light that I wanted to see?

The eyes saw the outside sky which gave no sense of darkness,

Which shone bright light through every other room in the city where I lived!

The mind wanted to just cry out loud,

Saying the words- 'Why? Why me?'

Where was the light that I wished to see?

No light, no sound, nothing wasn't a state of life I ever wanted.

I had a life too, a life full of laughter, a life full of love!

I sat there and wept wondering where the candle, the strawberries came from!

Who brought them here? I have no one! I live alone!

My love stays afar! He never comes like the wishing star!

Something pulled me up! I could see nothing at all!

It was dark! It pulled me away, away into wonderland.

I could still not see a part, nor a shadow.

Just a heavy breadth, the kind of breadth,

That I was once in love with!

How could this happen?

How could a lonely Friday night give me so much of pleasure?

I spent Fridays alone! Alone in the darkness,

Weeping out loud in loneliness!

Crying to the skies to send me away,

Away to a far off land from where no one returns!

The candle was brought closer but could I still escape darkness?

Could I still see a speck?

Nothing at all! Just a breadth and,

The feeling of cold skin touching mine in a heavy embrace.

Lips kissing my lips, fingers touching me everywhere,

The breadth saying that it loved me.

Careless whispers from your heart, whispers that said everything!

Careless whispers that swept me away,

Far away on to the away onto the clouds of heaven!

You don't live here! No, you live nowhere now!

I lost you a long time back!

I lost you because angels loved you more! You live with them now!

Yes, you are a star.

A star that shines every night, a star that calls me to itself.

Yes, I wish to come and I call it everyday to take me away!

Where was that star today?

It was with me, here in my arms!

Yes, you have come, finally to me!

You were with me wanting to make me yours.

I am yours, now and forever. I wont leave you now.

No, never!

No, no, no, you just cannot go!!!

The wind blew the candle off.

The cold wind took away even the last speck of light!

I dont see a streak now! Nothing, nowhere! Where are you?

Where are the hands that held me just a moment ago?

And where is that breadth, the one that I wanted? The one that was mine?

I ran to the room, I ran to the other room,

I ran here and there screaming out loud!

I ran calling out only one name!

Shadow, shadow, where are you?

I ran to the balcony, saw the sky had cleared up.

The breeze just blew past making me shiver.

Oh! Where are you?

I looked at the sky! A star shone! I know it was you.

 You had come to love me today!

Yes, you did remember, it was my birthday!

Like every year, when we had a candle light dance and then cut a strawberry cake,

Then raised a toast with campaign and made love till next dawn.

I stood at the balcony now, alone, helpless, without any reason to live.

You were my reason for everything but now you are gone.

I looked down!

It was the plain wet concrete, cold and dull!

I did nothing, just smiled, laughed once, rather twice.

I knew what to do then,

I knew where to go!

No, I am not crazy! I am in no way insane!

I am just mad, mad for you, mad about you. I just want you.

Closing my eyes, I felt like the wingless bird!

Just a thump and a queer sense of pain for a few moments.

Yes, the breeze hit me back and forth!

However, I dont wish to open my eyes.

Silence now! No helplessness, only darkness!!

This darkness scares me no more.

Now I just stare. Yes, I smile down at the luckless world from the sky.

I am lucky!

I am with the one I loved,

And can be with him forever after!

I dont wish to hover elsewhere!

I know how I will get all the happiness just here!

Cloudburst and Memories

To the one, my heart beats for.......

I sit by the open window staring at the sky, 

It seems an open stage with darkness all around.

Dark clouds awaiting the dark rains.

My dark heart to the core is filled with pain.

Filled with loneliness and the longing for love.

Take away with you, Oh blowing wind,

my words.

Take away with you, Oh falling rain,

my songs.

Take away with you, Oh flying leaves,

my spirit.

To distant lands where lives my heart.

Take me away one thousand miles,

where lives my love.

Still with such longing, I close the window,

I draw the curtains and the secret chambers.

A year later,

A phone call, the words- 'I am here',

Picked me up from the red chair, I sat on.

The restless breadth and the words- 'Just wait',

The big moment seemed to have come.

I knew a long weary walk awaited,

Endless steps and an endless walk that could,

reach me to the moon.

I had to walk some miles, and then others after that.

I, in deep red that day just by chance,

started from the start.

A blank point alone, filled with

thoughts, hope and happiness.

The mind flashed memories, the dates passed by, the faces flew past.

Yet, the word I could only embrace was- 'Atlast'!

The heart filled with happiness, suddenly

Made way to fear,

Only because it remembered how years had gone by,

How the mind had been washed clean of faces,

Faces so bright, so filled with love.

Alas! It could not memorize a part!

I was mid-way thinking, of sad times,

Times, I sat besides the open window,

Crying out to the rains,

To take me away to where my heart lived.

Today I need not have flown with the winds to a magical land.

Today, magic was all around,

In the air, in the soil, on the road I walked on.

The heart did thump, rather banged and cheered.

It just wanted a glimpse of the person most dear.

The walk ended, the heart beat fastened.

The eyes could see huge buildings, a lonely scene void of anything,

The ears could hear nothing other than,

Birds chirping, trucks rolling, people screaming and the noise of the phone.

Yes! The same noise that had filled me with passionate delight,

whenever it danced in my ears.

Over the years, over the days, throughout my childhood,

Yes, I have grown up so much since then,

Yes, I am a lovely lady now, the lady of her love!

The eyes opened and it saw a sight,

A sight, I had almost died to get a glimpse of,

The sight I went to heaven in search of,

A sight so tall, so dark, so white!

Yes! Finally! It was the sight!

I was a statue, hardly breathing.

Those hands came and hugged me, embracing.

The mind flashed back memories, of how,

I once sat besides the window pane,

Longing for the love, laughter and embrace.

I would have stood there still, loving and laughing,

Looking at the sight so dear forever.

Now we walked side by side, hand in hand, heart in heart,

How we were one atlast!!

Bringing back, reaching the destination,

I found it was a window, a bed, a room,

The same window pane, I sat besides,

On a rainy day alone, a year back, crying for love,

Sending the winds, the rains and the leaves,

To fetch the one I loved.

They did their part perhaps, they kept their promise alas!

You are my life now and I am yours.

People say- 'You cant catch clouds, feel stars, smell winds.'

I could as I lay in your arms with,

My lips on yours, hearing your heartbeat,

So loud and clear, hearing your breadth,

That ran for me.

The moments passed away like dewdrops do,

On early winter mornings, like the moon does,

Every fortnight, like the sun does every dusk.

Just the way darkness gives way to light,

I lay there, in your arms, kissing you with all my might,

Like the birds embrace dawn and the fish embrace water.

They call them theirs, 

I call you mine!

Months pass and this afternoon, I sit here in darkness.

And its hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain.

Yes, its raining once more as I sit besides the window pane today,

The same window pane I had cried on,

The same window pane that had washed away every single tear of mine.

The sky again, an open stage, so dark, so clear, so filled with rain.

But today apart from, 

The blowing wind and falling rain and flying leaves,

I also see floating angels, flying demons, mighty dragons and dead spirits.

I see them dancing in the open sky!

The heart should fear and call you closer.

Instead all the heart does is silently cry,

Tears of happiness all along the way,

But I blow them away today,

Ten thousand droplets of tears and another,

Ten thousand gallons of love, here I send today,

Asking the rain to bring it all the way,

Ten thousand miles away,

To where lives my heart,

To where lives my life,

To where you live.

The windows will forever remain open now,

The curtains will never close.

Each time the sky darkens and prepares a new show.

I will be sitting and gazing with open eyes.

The magic of the angels and the dance of the demons,

The floating of the rain clouds.

Will take me away like every time,

To where you breathe, live and sleep,

To where this heart of mine forever wishes to reach!!

LIFE at the JADAVPUR UNIVERSITY Department of COMPARATIVE LITERATURE...

Resting in peace at home for all these months had made me believe that the future is very dark for me! All I did since the morning was to lie down on the bed thinking, rather dreaming about some places or subjects that could never be mine! (Its not that I suck in studies or something by the way) Things however dont go the way we want them too! I may have a terrible bad luck but even that starts shining once in a blue moon!
So here I am now, Roll Number 21 in the first year class at the Jadavpur University Department of Comparative Literature. I may not know anything at all but even then I can boast about quite a lot of facts...
I cannot say that I was very excited or happy or delighted to be here on the first day because all I did that day was to come, sit, listen and run back home! I felt he same on the second day, the third day and the fourth day! (Unpopularity sucks big time! Did I say that?) But then things dont remain the same! If they would have then life would have been great for some and not so great for the others...

Here I am directly trying to point out towards my gang with which I am terribly in love. Awww, you might feel that this is nostalgic! But then again a gang is always made up of not very perfect, somewhat stupid and somewhat very irritating people with whom your mindset matches!(I am totally like that by the way). Now what I am trying to say is that .......... my life is impossible without---

1. The useless gossips at 'Jheelpaar' everyday.

2. The numerous OC's that my friends make.

3. The random clicking of photos of dogs and cats and people.

4. Tying to find the place where the most  inexpensive food is sold.

5. The boring and the not so boring classes.

6. The classroom ledge and the staircase graffiti.

7. Trying to find the river dolphin and the various snakes and the birds and the monkeys and the dogs as my friends say.

8. The strumming of the guitar and listening to all the English Bands which I loathed or didnt even know about till a few years.

8. The emo. modes!

9. Worldview.

(You may feel that I use horrible short forms but even then I am just a novice!) This is what makes my everyday....... I waste days without touching a single book, without adhering to any rules, (For once we are rules less at JU. I know the place rocks and you might want to come and take my place but then again you can not be me.) without any useful talks!.... I stay at my beloved university more than I stay at home because I like the noise, the time pass and everything thing else (even the food)!.... I can rightfully say that I have at last  got my dream college, a place without which my days go sad and which is in literal terms 'Heaven on Earth'! And I know that I am luckier than most other people here! I have with me so many people who are the best! Even though these three years are going to go away very fast, I know that these are going to be among the best!...... I hated some schools of my life a lot by the way! Yes, I know you might be wondering about how many schools I have been to but then thats a long story altogether! I am so happy to be without an uniform in any case!

A day in the life of **Popular People** (Self experienced and faced)

10.30 am- I walk into the class in the morning with no one to stare at me other than the benches and the dirty tables!!
10.45 am- A girl enters my class not looking at the teacher's desk but me!
11.00 am- The class is almost filled with people who talk a lot! They are talking and talking! I am talking too!
What's the deal in that? ....... The big deal is that they are all either talking to me or wanting to talk to me! they are even complementing me! I look great! I am really liking this!!!
11.15 am- The class just started! The teacher just took the attendance! But why was everyone staring at me?
11.45 am- The class is still going on! And of course the teacher notices only me because....... I know everything!
1.00   pm- The classes are all over at last! I am running out of the class with friends to escape people from attacking and calling me!
2.00  pm- I am still chatting with friends! But you won't believe that people actually followed me from class! I am not liking this! I want to be invisible! My friends don't like intruders! But I am popular! Can I hate the fact????
5.00  pm- Time to go home! Mom is calling! (I am popular at home too.)  I walked passed the gate! Some people just said a big 'bye'! I actually don't know who they were! Were they actually from my class or something? Who cares?..... They know me!!! I am fine with that!!
8.00  pm- I have so many useless messages on my phone! These are from people I dont even know! How do so many people know about my number? Who gave them? Who told them to call and disturb me? I am very busy!!

This was just one day of my life! Do you still feel its great to be popular? Yeah, why not? Being popular is being the best of course! I like being that way! I love myself! ........... Yeah, man I am popular!
(Based on a day in one of my very good friend's life! So don't dare to even think that its about me anyhow)