I see him everyday in the classes. He seems to like me but its
not that I don’t like him as well. He seems to be a really nice guy: good
looking, smart, talented and everything a girl would want. You must be wondering
what the problem then is. There isn’t any problem as such other than the fact
that I am already in a relationship with someone who lives miles away from me
but even then I love him because he is the very breadth of my life. He is
everything that a girl would never even hope to get. He gives me so much love
that I can really forget the whole world for his sake.
I don’t know why sometimes in life, despite having
everything we feel like getting so much more. We try to go and do all those
things which seem incorrect. The very wrong things suddenly start to seem right
to the spirit. I didn’t want to do what I am doing now. I didn’t want to
torture my soul this way but there was a fire burning inside, maybe a fire of
desire. Desire for what though? I already have everything, don’t I? Everything,
that maybe no one has, and everything, which maybe no one can ever hope to even
get.
This guy kept on and on looking at me during the class
everyday. I did not stop him. Rather, I made him fall for me even more. In sheer
desperateness one day, he came and asked if we could give any meaning to our
everyday madness. I just said a yes to him. Its not that I did not tell him
that I already have someone else in my life. He seemed to not pay a lot of
attention to the fact because he was sure that someday I would leave my long
distance love forever and come to him. His assumption seemed to have a lot of
value because it was only him that I would meet every day and it was only him
who can touch me, feel me, kiss me and love me every day. My love far away
would not even realize how and when I would start to distance myself form him
and one day leave him forever to be alone.
However what this guy thought was impossible. I would rather
distance the rest of the world than distance myself from my far away love. He was a just a
fresher to this twenty year old life of mine and I could just push him out of
it someday rather than do anything to make the one I knew since years sad. Even
then I did not let this guy know any of this. I made him run his imagination
wild and some weeks later he was just like a ferocious wild animal in search of
prey to quench his blood thirst and I was his prey. All these days all
he could do was stay near to me and see me and say wonderful things so that I
would smile for once but now he began to demand more. He wanted to come even
closer, get me in my complete form in a closed empty room. He was tired now
about the fact that even so many weeks later I was unable to make myself his
fully.
One day I was very sad about something which I now don’t
seem to recall anymore and after the class got over, he came and stood in front
of me and said, ‘ All you need now is a kiss of life, come closer, let me give
you one.’ I looked at him and stood like a dead corpse. The last time I had
been kissed was months ago when he was here and other than him I have never let
any other soul come as close to me but now I was helpless. I had committed the
folly of giving away my heart to two men. One whose heart was with me despite
his staying miles apart and the other, whose heart didn’t seem to matter despite
his being this near. I had only loved one of those men and you clearly know
which one but now I was subjected to a bizarre vision which I seemed to
possess. I tried and tried more to pull out myself form this sea of desire, of
false notions, of discrepancies but the more I tried to come out of it, the
more I began to sink in it, as if something heavy was tied to my legs. He came
even closer and I closed my eyes but the exact moment the teacher came in. He
left immediately and I just sat down with a thump. The land below my feet
seemed to have crept away. What was I doing? Where was I leading myself to?
Why?
The next day I decided to put an end to everything. I
decided I would let one of them know the truth and decide my fate and to the
other I would just say a goodbye. I picked up my phone because I thought its
time I said a sorry so that even staying that far away he would understand that
I am not misleading him but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t gather up the courage
to let him know about anything, nothing I had been upto all these months. My
mom came in and handed me a parcel. I opened it and out fell a letter and a
huge birthday card. It seemed to have reached two days prior to my birthday. It
was from him and all the letter said was- “I have never been as happy with
anyone else in my life, neither has anyone given me so much love nor has anyone
been so frank and truthful with me before. I just want to say that I love you a
lot. Be mine forever and you will see how this goes the distance.” I clasped
the letter close to my heart and just sighed aloud, ‘no my love, I haven’t been
truthful to you. I wish I was.’
When I reached the class it was empty and he was sitting all
alone in a corner. After I sat down he came closer and hugged me and said, ‘I
missed you a lot yesterday. Why don’t you talk to me on phone sometimes?’ I
couldn’t answer him because my phone was not for him and neither was my heart.
I tried to shove him away but he didn’t budge for a second. His hands wrapped
tight around me. He kept on saying how much he had come to love me now and how
he never imagined that all this would happen so fast. He said that I gave him
so much happiness that without seeing me every day, he cannot survive even for
second but the moment he tried to place his lips on mine, the students came in
and so did the teacher. They gave me nasty glances but all I could utter to her
after the class was that I didn’t know what or why this was happening to me. I
told her that I didn’t want all this to happen, never.
That day after I came out, somehow I don’t know why I
couldn’t recognize where I was. I began running here and there in search of the
path that would lead me home but I could see none. I asked people to show me which
way home was. Some pointed straight, some towards the right, some towards the
left and some just laughed out loud thinking that I am a mad woman in search of
nothingness.
I guess I had to be carried home that day because maybe I
fell down in the middle of the road and hurt myself. There was blood everywhere
when the people found me unconscious. When I opened my eyes two days later I
saw my mom besides me. She kept on crying because maybe somewhere the doctor
had told her that I wouldn’t live for longer. That didn’t really matter to me
though. I just wanted to tell her about the storm within me. The storm which
had rocked and carried me away to such a place from where I couldn’t find my
way back. It was about two lives who couldn’t do without me anymore. I also
cannot do without one but when he comes to know about everything he would try
to keep himself away from me which I cannot bear anyhow and if I distance
myself from the other one then he wouldn’t be able to bear the fact and instead
do something which would trap me only more and more. Thus, I wrote a letter and
asked mom to post it.
A week later when he received the letter all he could do was
maybe hold it as tight to himself and cry just the way I had done. I wasn’t
there anymore. Neither for him, nor for anyone else. He read out the letter again
and again. It had just a few lines in it which said- “I wanted to be yours and
you did let me be yours. Then I happened to come across someone else who tried
to make myself his but I didn’t let him do it. I did not let him come close and
get me because he never was an alternative for you here. He was just an entity,
an entity that helped me pass my time when I couldn’t get you. I am still yours
wherever I am. My spirit still breathes for you and so it forever will. Stay
happy always and even though our bodies have parted, I don’t think our love ever will.’
